is pretty darn hard when you have these stupid old mind sets..some of most major and most harmful to me

1.counting calories. i pretty much use this as “permission to let myself binge.” its like if i know how many calories i am eating it somehow makes it, okay? no. no no no no, no.

2. i am so full. oh i might as well just binge because i blew it anyway. i can start over tommorow. (even though i never DO start over tommorow and i must be stupid in the head because everytime i use that line i know its shit because i never ACTUALLY start over tommorow.)

3. sheer habit. a year is a long time, and more than enough time to make a habit. for a whole YEAR my routine was, restrict by day and when i come home since i did so “good” all day (in reality that was not “good” and unacptable) i would eat dinner, while my mom was in her room repeadly go downstairs and back to my room while eating and eating untill i ither physically couldnt eat anymore or i was at my calorie “maximum” usually 3-4,000 calories.

there are most of them. wow. while reading them back, its just wow.

its pretty emotional letting these go. i know they are irritanal, and i need to let them go and i will to be free, but its like your taking away the only thing that has given you comfort, and the thing always there for 5 years. eating disorders are about control. and i feel very out of control.

from now on i think i need to consult with my babies! and aswell with you guys, god, and my FRIENDS! they are very good listeners…

on the other hand we are going to a baseball game, box seats!! woo hoo! i will take pictures and insert them in my next post..and since this blog is so random and is about anything i would like to write of YOU guys would like to hear, i think i would like my posts to be a bit more fun. because i just am simply NOT a serious person. if you knew me in real life i would be laughing and smiling and cracking jokes. and so i think i want my blog to be about the real me. i am only serious when absolutly needed …..oh, and expect more pictures in my posts. and food will have to come in somewhere! ( in NORMAL amounts)

            have a FABULOUS sunday!