this is going to be quite short because i am a little busy bee… but before i forget i am going back to my phycotherapist…. after dinner (or whenever really) is my worst times to binge. what i normally DID was stay downstairs and eat. and eat and eat and eat. but now after dinner, i realised if i just wait, simply wait, it goes away. my urges disapear. its weird because its suck an impulsive choice to binge and when i just wait it goes away and i actually feel better. of course i talked to myself (who me? crazy? im not crazy! :D)
it seems very obvious but by no means am i even close to the end of the tunnel, i am one step closer to reaching the light…
now, why is it that no matter how hard i try, i cant keep myself from hating my body? it works doesnt it?
is pretty darn hard when you have these stupid old mind sets..some of most major and most harmful to me
1.counting calories. i pretty much use this as “permission to let myself binge.” its like if i know how many calories i am eating it somehow makes it, okay? no. no no no no, no.
2. i am so full. oh i might as well just binge because i blew it anyway. i can start over tommorow. (even though i never DO start over tommorow and i must be stupid in the head because everytime i use that line i know its shit because i never ACTUALLY start over tommorow.)
3. sheer habit. a year is a long time, and more than enough time to make a habit. for a whole YEAR my routine was, restrict by day and when i come home since i did so “good” all day (in reality that was not “good” and unacptable) i would eat dinner, while my mom was in her room repeadly go downstairs and back to my room while eating and eating untill i ither physically couldnt eat anymore or i was at my calorie “maximum” usually 3-4,000 calories.
there are most of them. wow. while reading them back, its just wow.
its pretty emotional letting these go. i know they are irritanal, and i need to let them go and i will to be free, but its like your taking away the only thing that has given you comfort, and the thing always there for 5 years. eating disorders are about control. and i feel very out of control.
from now on i think i need to consult with my babies! and aswell with you guys, god, and my FRIENDS! they are very good listeners…
on the other hand we are going to a baseball game, box seats!! woo hoo! i will take pictures and insert them in my next post..and since this blog is so random and is about anything i would like to write of YOU guys would like to hear, i think i would like my posts to be a bit more fun. because i just am simply NOT a serious person. if you knew me in real life i would be laughing and smiling and cracking jokes. and so i think i want my blog to be about the real me. i am only serious when absolutly needed :D…..oh, and expect more pictures in my posts. and food will have to come in somewhere! ( in NORMAL amounts)
have a FABULOUS sunday!
i have been gone for QUITE some time and i wanted to say that i am back and missed you all!! (cricket, cricket)…i am very upset to admit that i have been having trouble with my anorexia (somewhat) and binge eating (mostly) but i have decided firmly that i do not want do be eating disordered!! i wanna be an intuitive eater! my decision all started when i started reading beadies blog again (HI BEADIE ) i figured if she can do it then i sure as heck can! not that it is easy at all! it is one of the most hard hardships to go through in a lifetime. i do know alcoholism and drugs are hard to get over but with food you cant stop eating and LIVE. you have to find peace and balance.
i really am done with eating disorders. with anorexia, bulimia (any form) and binge eating. they will no longer be allowed into my life. (go on, SHOO!) and i am rereading my fit from within and intuitive eating (my MOST helpful and favorite)….
i wanted to share some writing that is 100% from my heart….
“the human body is a sacred place. deserving not only to be treated with dignity and respect but not to be poisoned with harmful substance that damages the mind as well as the body. this includes anything numbing you from feeling anything you would rather not feel or deal with. (drugs, alcohol, sex, food <—in excess and unnecessary amounts, exc) i have come to the conclusion i have experienced the WHOLE spectrum of eating disorders. i have wasted almost 6 years of my life obsessing about what others think, how skinny i can be, looks, exc..i am done. done with it all. i would like to lose ed and begin my life. it will be hard at first but as anything in life practice makes improvement. intuitive eating is the place i can start with. i will need alot of support on this journey but the long hard road will be worth it. life is not a competition. who can get the skinniest and sickest? get out of the fucking game! the prize is depression and eventually death. now stop, and fill your life with beautiful moments.”
that make me feel amazing. it flowed from my heart. i have not had anybody to talk to about anything (parents wont pay for dietitian or phycotherapist anymore, or treatment.) so yes, i am starting this journey by myself and with the help of you guys and god. life is not about the competition, its about the ride. i am officially checked out of this competition and my life will begin now.
photo courtesy of joeyalaiza